Mark Middleton’s Blog

When I was about 25 I had been living closeted and terrified of my soul being damned to hell since I was 12 or so and started into puberty. Seeking to be fixed, I spent the next 7 years in exodus and similar ex-gay ministries (desert stream, etc). It would be difficult to summarize all of the processes and “let go, let God” kind of activities I took part in during that period. How many hundreds of hours in prayer, 40 day (water and fruit juice) fasts, accountability groups, mentoring with hetero couples, counselling, intercessory prayer, and just general brokenly surrendering before the Almighty to ‘fix me’. During that time, I was highly engaged at my church in evangelism, worship, prayer team, giving food to the poor… all of “the stuff” that a good Christian should do. (insert quip about “faith without works is dead” here). I dated two amazing ladies from my church (they were fully aware of my “struggle” from the get-go… I was one of their “extreme make-over projects”). Each was sadly disappointed when I had to break up (after 10 months and a year respectively) because I simply had no sexual attraction to them whatsoever…. emotionally and spiritually, all was well - but it’s difficult to have a serious relationship with no “spark”.

So I went back to God. “I’ll just focus on my business and leave my relationship crap up to God”. Focus on my accountability and my work and not try to force anything relationally. 2 Years later, my business was kicking ass, I was still lonely, and I still wasn’t straight.

I wanted to be converted with every breath… and I had sought it out for years.

2 Years ago, I spent some time in Italy, and was on the little balcony on the Dome of St. Peters Basilica in Rome… such an amazing view of history and religious significance. As I stood there looking out over St. Marks square, I was pretty confused by God at that point and simply asked when he was going to fix me, make me whole, make me straight. Almost as if he were just rolling his eyes, that still small voice came back to me and said. “you’ve never been broken, I made you who you are - why don’t you be it?”

I argued with God for the next 2 weeks traveling through Tuscany. He was giving me permission to be who I am, and I had the five references in the bible to dispute him. (I also had references in the same book of the bible that says not to touch the skin of a dead pig… therefore, football must “of the devil”… I digress).

At that point in my life, I had been “out” to all of my friends and family as somebody who “struggled with homosexuality”. Now I felt I wasn’t struggling anymore and for the first time in my life, felt comfortable in my own (God-made) skin.

To this day, I continue to have some very challenging discussions with my evangelical friends who think I’m going to be going to hell for being who God made me… but it’s something that is seriously between me and God. I keep an open mind, and still have some questions to be answered when I arrive at the pearly gates. I definatly don’t have all of the answers or even all of the questions figured out yet.

After the Italy experience, I have been in two relationships. One for a year and a half with a great guy - we just weren’t the right match. For the past 2 years, Nick and I have been together. I love him very much and consider him my “partner” (even though I hate that term)

I have a high respect for Exodus related ministries, and personally know several people who are “ex-gay” and are living wonderful lives (a very good friend of mine is now married to a woman and they are expecting their first baby any day). I don’t think he’s disillusioned or kidding himself or whatever… I just think he’s got a different life than I have - but his life is between him and his creator, and what he chooses for himself.

I also have a belief of the “kinsey scale” and that there are some that are “more gay” or “less gay” than others (not in terms of how they act, but what drives their mind). There’s plenty of resources on the web to support either side of the arguments, I know… I’ve argued both sides.

I lead a group of Gay Men in a community of Christian believers here in the Portland Area (the group is called “Anawim”). There are three groups altogether, and I have one group of about 10 guys who meet each Thursday evening for a time of fellowship, intersession and 30 minutes of silent prayer.

As for this whole “gay agenda” thing… it kinda freaks me out when people say that. The only Gay Agenda I’ve seen is hollywood’s straight agenda for the gay community. There’s a lot of type-casting (don’t get me wrong, it’s hilarious and will and grace gets great ratings… but it puts us in a little box when they think we can all do interior design and bake a quiche.) As if we all meet in the back room of Abercrombie and Fitch and are planning a coup.